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I have the worst luck of anyone I know
2004-11-28
Just a quick silly story I wrote, I think I was trying to see how many subtle weird jokes I could fit into this one.
When I first heard the phrase ďif I didnít have bad luck Iíd have no luck at allĒ I thought ďhey that doesnít really seem grammatically correct but fuck Iím not really good at English anyway...so whatever.Ē But I always felt that despite its ambiguous grammatical correctness, it represents my life in an almost eerily way. Iíve grown up superstitious partly because of my step-momís sarcastic, almost painfully dry humor (ie: ďyour bird died because you didnít eat your peas before your potatoesĒ) and partly because of those old-fashioned bad luck rumors coming true every time I turned around. When I was 6 I broke a mirror with a hammer I found laying in our bathroom and I didnít get laid for 7 years exactly. Once I opened an umbrella inside the house and it started raining outside (it wasnít my house or my umbrella and I knocked over a lamp and they sent me walking home in the rain.) I saw a black cat walk in front of my path and I had to sleep in the car all night because of it. That sucked. Once I walked under a ladder that someone was using to balance a huge beam for our apartmentís new roof (they had to cut some guy out) and that night I got sick and couldnít sleep. It was pretty much that point in my life that I knew I had the worst luck ever.

When email came out I was introduced to a whole shitload of new bad luck: chain letters. I seemed to get these every other day. Some threatened to revoke my chances of ever meeting my one true love, others promised death or even an insecure financial future. Sometimes Iíd send out the required 50 or whatever to everyone on my email list, and some dick would have the nerve to send it back to me trying to get his quota filled. Then Iíd have to find ANOTHER 50. Iím not too sure on the rules of sending it to the same people twice but with my luck I wasnít going to chance it. The only one I never got sent out was one that said that the person who had a secret crush on me would call me in a week if I sent it out, but if I didnít then they would hate me forever or something serious like that. I thought I sent them all out, but that week the only call I got was from my uncle wishing me happy flag day or some stupid shit. Sometimes he called me for the weirdest reasons. Now heís dead because he got sucked up into the air conditioning ducts above the bathroom of the apartment where I lived at the time. Bad luck runs in the family.

I donít have any living relatives besides my sister and one cat. I have watched everybody slowly die off in random horrible luck accidents. Like rain-on-my-wedding-day horrible. My dad died when he was 87 from heart disease. My mom died when giving birth to my older brother. My older brother died when a heavy beam of wood that someone was balancing on a ladder fell and hit him in the eye socket. My grandpa died in some impulse war of Rooseveltís. My would-be wife died when she was struck by lightning during our wedding. Just random crazy things like that that you never see coming and then bam it just happens.

So anyway I guess to the point of this postÖ I was sitting here just browsing IMDB (I found a character named Lord Shaftesbury, thatís pretty funny: [http://imdb.com/name/nm0293509/] #7) and I happened to look into this coffee cup sitting on my desk. My sister sometimes comes by and fills it up with candy (it doesnít have coffee in it) and I dump it out on my desk and pick through it throughout the week and eat the candy. This week there was a bunch of butterscotch pieces and some other crap, and I ate all the butterscotch first. Then I wished I had more butterscotch. Well tonight I looked in the cup on a whim and there was a butterscotch in there, talk about a change of luck! I think my life has really reached a turning point.

Just wanted to share my new found luck with you guys :)
©2003-2008 Brian B. Griffiths