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Lame For Sin 2005-01-28
Using anagrams of "Life on Mars" as well as several themes or direct lines from David Bowie's song.
I realize now that I look back that joining a church to meet girls wasn't probably one of the best decisions of my life, but I ended up falling in love. At the time my life was a saddening bore and I was just in it for sex. However; something happened one night that made me rethink my life, my morals, and my purpose on this Earth.
I went out and bought a new suit, some new shoes with Foam Liners to give my step that extra bounce. While I was waiting to check out I noticed this very deliberately placed rack of Flair, So Men were tempted to give in to temptation. My gaze descended upon a rusty red tie, and I was seduced into capitulation. It had a faint face on the surface, as if the devil himself resided in the tie. I thought it fitting for my future fraud.
I sat in the back pew, preparing to listen to the same propaganda spewed from various Christians around campus I’d heard ten times before. I was about to hear it again. Coincidently or not, the sermon was on the sexual immorality that was on America’s tortured brow. There was a gaggle of gorgeous girls sitting in the front row, with the eyes of fools as they focused on the promises of Moral Fines. The preacher was a decent speaker, and had most of the congregation engrossed. Oh man, wonder if he’ll ever know he’s in the best selling show?
There was the girl with the mousy hair, sitting on the edge closest to the aisle that I had seen earlier while everybody was socializing in the lobby. I caught her steal a quick glance back at me, and she blushed and sunk into the seat a little further. I got up to go to the bathroom, and when I came back I moved to the seat with the clearest view. I watched her as the lecture dragged on. When it was over she snuck another quick look at me before hurrying off with her friend to the lobby. I got up and followed her. What a nice ass, So Firm, Lean. I’ve always appreciated a nice ass; they will make Liars Of Men. I grabbed a cup of coffee and looked around for somebody to talk to. I saw my old Law teacher, yelling at some guy over cavemen. I went up and said hi. We chatted for a bit when I spotted the girl standing by herself. Her friend was nowhere to be seen. I excused myself and walked over to her.
She was very shy, but she had this intensity in her eyes that would crumble Rome’s Final remaining pillars. We got to talking and she invited me to her youth group later that Wednesday. I figured I’m already in this far, might as well go all the way. I accepted, and we continued to talk. She bored me to death, but I wasn’t in it for the intellectual stimulation. Her daddy came by and told her they had to go.
I went to church on Sundays and youth group on Wednesdays for a few weeks. We became friends, if that’s what you can call it. In reality I was bored when I was with her and she only liked the lamer version of me. I couldn’t tell any of my jokes, or even fall back to my dark sarcastic humor, as it didn’t go over too well with this crowd. Boring and simple were A Life’s Norms to her. Finally came to the night when I felt comfortable asking her out on a date.
We went to see the Passion of the Christ, and honestly it was the first thing about my immersion into the world of Christianity that I remotely enjoyed. She was hooked to the silver screen as she watched her savior bleed. She cuddled against me and held on tight during the worst parts, and I was elated to finally be having physical contact with a girl after three years of a dry spell. After the movie we held hands as we walked out of the theater. I asked if she wanted to go back to my place to talk. She agreed.
When we got back she turned into an animal. The lessons of the previous month’s sermon fell on deaf ears, as she was all over me. We moved to the bed and I stabbed my spear towards her ribs, if you know what I mean. After we finished, she started to cry. I tried to comfort her but she kept repeating “Jesus was Slain For Me!” as she cried. I held her and just kept assuring her that nothing was wrong and nothing would happen. She finally stopped sniveling and we just laid there. Finally after a few minutes she just looked up at me, her eyes red and puffy. I kissed her and she kissed back. She still seemed upset, and I asked her what she was thinking. She hesitated and told me I would think less of her if she told walked me through her sunken dreams. I assured her that nothing could make me think less of her. She looked into my eyes sheepishly and finally, very quietly asked me with such curiosity and innocence, “Is there life on Mars?”